Opening: An Evening in the House of the Holy

(Jeff and Steve walk into Steve's church.)
Jeff
Why am I coming with you to church?
Steve
Because its Sunday, its worship day
Jeff
Its 7:00 PM…isn't Church suppose to be during the morning?
Steve
Its called being committed Jeff, being committed to your church and the great Lord above us
Jeff
Yeah but I don't worship. I mean sure I know the big girls up there but…
Steve
Big Girl? (raises eyebrow)
Jeff
Yeah I believe God is a woman
Steve
Dogma proved nothing Jeff…
Jeff
Actually it did give a lot of good points…like the fact Jesus isn't white, he's tan. He came from the Middle East, people are tan in the middle east
Steve
First of all that point wasn't even made in Dogma
Jeff
So? Im just saying it because its true…
Steve
Dammit dude will you shut up? You cant go throwing that propaganda up in the air around here. People will get mad
Jeff
Propaganda? Dude this is a church…its 95% propaganda
Besides what are they gonna do Crucify me?
Steve
GOD DAMMIT JEFF SHUT UP!
(All the people in the church look at Steve)
(Jeff shakes his head)
Jeff
Using the lords name in vein? Man you cant be doing that stuff around here
(The pastor walks up)
Steve
Great here comes Pastor Rick, you seen what you've got me into?
Jeff
Me? I didn't do it...your the one who spoke ill about the great one
Steve
SH!
Prastor Rick
Mr. Taylor…


Steve
Hello Pastor Rick how are you this evening?
Pastor Rick
Im doing well Steven but you can not go around using that kind of language, we do not speak ill about God or anyone in heaven. You know better than that.
Steve
Yes sir Im sorry. It wont happen again
Pastor Rick
Good, now who's your friend?
Steve
This is Jeff, Jeff this is Pastor Rick
(Steve looks towards Jeff, but he's not there)
Jeff!? Where'd you go?
Jeff is over at a table drinking something
Pastor Rick
IS HE DRINKING THE BLOOD OF JESUS!
(Steve runs over to Jeff)
Steve
JEFF WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?! Your drinking the blood of Christ!
Jeff
No Im not, this is grape whine...
Steve
Oh my god how much did you drink!?
Jeff
Um….about 21 of these shots…wait…
Dude…I didn't think drinking was promoted in Church, are you in some sort of bad ass alternative Church? OH is there foosball?
(Pastor walks over)
Pastor Rick
That is an original sin you are doing there...Jeff was it?
Jeff
Oh don't mind me Reverend Im okay. I apologize for drinking the Jesus juice. It wont happen again, and I hope I have another chance here in the house of the holy.
Pastor Rick
Yes…well...were going to start everything in about 15 minutes. Please don't let something else like this happen Steven.
Steven
Yes Pastor…I wont
(Pastor walks away)
Jeff
Dude…did you see him? He looks just like Kenny Loggins. Except no goatee and lack of great hair.



Steve
Shut up now come on lets go over here, and I'll introduce you to my friends here
Jeff
Oh dude I don't know…what am I suppose to say? I don't know how to talk to Jesus Children.
Steve
There normal just like you and me. Just…be yourself, but drop 20 notches
Jeff
Alright I'll see what I can do…
(they walk over to a group of 3 people)
(they all say "Hey Steve!" at nearly the exact same time)
Jeff
…That was creepy
Steve
Hey guys. This is my friend Jeff.
Jeff
(Waves) Hello there
(They all say hello)
Steve
This is, Phil, Jake and Liz
Jeff
It's a pleasure to meet you all…um…
(Jeff starts singing)
Michael row your boat ashore, hallelujah!
(they all look at him puzzled)
Jeff
What you never heard that one before? How bout this one
"When Israel was in Egypt Land, Let my people Go!"
Phil
You know…just because we go to church doesn't mean we only sing gospel music
Jake
Yeah and that last song was slave song!
Jeff
Touché…
Steve
Sorry guys…he is a believer just not a worshiper
Liz
If he doesn't worship why would you bring him here?
Steve
I don't know…
Jeff
Now you guys, don't be a batch of menstruated gingerbread cookies…
(Phil gets a disgusted look on his face)
Wha…WHAT!?!
Liz
That was the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my life
You think that's weird? Let me tell you about Black Beau…(Jeff looks to his left) Whoa…
(There is a girl sitting on in a chair texting on her phone)
Jake
Black what!? That's it Im getting the Pastor
Jeff
No wait (grabs Jakes arm)
Jake
(lifts his arm up)
I'll scream Virgin Marry!
Jeff
Wow…I…honestly have no response to that. But that's not it,
Who is that over there texting?
Steve
Oh her name is Shelly…she's not even really into this thing but her parents are major members of the church so they kind of make her come here
Jeff
OHH Like you did me? Hmm…well, um…Praise Jesus, God is the dark one…Live long and prosper so long and god speed
(Jeff starts to walk away)
(Phil, Jake and Liz look at Steve and they all say at the same time)
"He's seems nice"
Steve
…Okay he's right that is really creepy…
(Steve walks away)

Chapter 2: Shelly

Jeff
(Walks over to Shelly)
Say is this seat taken?
Shelly
(she looks around)…there's only one seat around me…the one Im sitting in
Jeff
Ah yes so there is…well is this spot on the floor that just may be in the area of your said seat, free?
Shelly
(a confused laugh) Em...sure?
Jeff
Why thank you (drops to his knees)
So I don't think we've properly met
(extends hand out to shake)
Hi my name is Sarah Plain and Tall minus the Sarah and replace with a J E F F

Shelly
Congratulations, you just won the award of lamest line to introduce yourself
Jeff
Oh come now, Im obviously no lamer than Bobby tried to become a magician to impress Connie.
Shelly
(squints her eyes confusingly. Looks at Jeff)
Jeff
Never seen King of the Hill? Really?
Shelly
I have…I just didn't really see need for the reference
Jeff
Ah I see what ya did there. Okay so your probably wondering the reason I've made my way over to your person
Shelly
Yeah kinda was actually
Jeff
Well you see…I don't think that you want to be here right now. Im guessing your not here under ones self volition?
Shelly
Yeah, dead on correct…my parents are huge members of the church they pretty much make me go to every event here
Jeff
That is rather terrible, do you need a hug?
Shelly
I…just met you
Jeff
Yeah but if you recall Mr. Deeds, he hugs everyone when they first meet
Shelly
Are all your "lines" from famous movie and TV shows
Jeff
Not all of them
Shelly
Most of them?
Jeff
A great many of them yes, but that's neither here nor there what's here is you and me, and I just want address, I am forced here out of my own free will. So how about you and me, become besties and involve ourselves in some fun activities
Shelly
Hm…become best friends with a kid I met in church because he's here due to the same reasons I am, hm…cliché but tempting.
Jeff
And if god has taught me anything, she's taught me to always give in to temptation
Shelly
That's…not what god is suppose to teach at all…

Jeff
Exactly…so what do you say, you wanna hang out or do you wanna just sit here and text a boy who's crushing on you and you want nothing to do with him
Shelly
...How did you possibly know that?
Jeff
Face motions while type, speed of such as well…not that I was watching for long periods of time but Im rather observant in certain fields of people emotions
Shelly
So you can prolly imagine Im feeling slightly weird now that you did that…
Jeff
That's just a risk Im willing to take, so why don't we leave and go hang out downtown or something, I really don't like this place its creepy
Shelly
Alright sure, but I don't know how Im going to be able to leave. The pastor knows my parents always have me here
Jeff
Well…I know how to get us out of here…
Shelly
Theres no windows in the bathroom
Jeff
Dammit…but good, that means we can use my original plan.
Watch this…
(Jeff walks over to the Pulpit)
(Steve runs over)
Steve
Jeff what the hell are you doing?
Jeff
Getting me and Shelly out of here
Steve
WHAT!?! Don't do anything to get me ostracized from here Jeff I swear to God I will kill you!!
Pastor Rick
STEVEN!! Come here NOW
Jeff
…dumbass
Steve
Dammit Jeff!...coming pastor.
(Shelly comes over)
Shelly
(laughing) What are you doing?
Jeff
Watch
(Jeff puts on a Pastor robe)
Shelly
You're not suppose to wear that!
Jeff
Not usually, but its Pastor Jeff time
(He calls out to everyone)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN CHILDREN OF ALL AGES!
(Everyone in the church looks over)
I will be reading today from the book of Jeff
…Ahem…Four score and seven years ago, Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, he hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks…can you put me up for the night?
(Laughing hysterically)
…Get it?
Shelly
Oh my god, that's actually really funny given where we are
(Pastor Rick marches up angrily)
Pastor Rick
SHELLY AND JEFF! I Have had it. Both of you out now!
Though everyone is welcome in the house of the holy, you are no longer for the evening. Shelly I will be informing your parents about these events.
Shelly
Okay…come on Jeff lets leave
(Shelly and Jeff walk out of the church)
(The Pastor looks around, everyone is startled at the events that have just happened)
Pastor Rick
….God Dammit